So tonight I was worn out and wanted to throw myself on the couch, stuff my face with Cheetos and watch mindless T.V. I can’t resist America’s Funnies Home Videos. I like to guess which shots to the crotch were staged and which ones actually threatened the man’s sperm count.
If only a lazy night is what happened. I arrived home to find Bentley keeping watch from the back of the couch, towering over his territory.
This is his favorite spot as he acts like it’s his sworn duty to protect me from danger including dogs, people, and the occasional man on a motorized cart
Seriously, there’s a guy on a motorized cart that zooms around the neighborhood and no one knows who he is or where he lives.
He’s an enigma and I’ve actually asked my husband if he seems him too, just to make sure I’m not losing it. That guy is our own little mystery.
Bentley barked his 5 ounce head off as I approached the front door, alerting the other dogs to my presence. When I opened the door I found him on the arm of the couch.
He greeted me with slobbery kisses and tales of the dangers he fended off with his menacing bark and needle teeth.
He was excited I was home, but quickly returned to his post because the potential threats continued, as a Geo Metro drove by.
My Goldendoodle Max, (who we refer to as our “special” child), greeted me the way he always does…by cowering behind the door.
Once he realized it was me, he greeted me with a jovial sniff to the crotch and a lick to the face. I thought these were signs a low key night of glutenous behavior was in my future. Not so much.
I headed to the guest bedroom to unleash the ball of energy that is our third dog, the lab/pit bull mix, Shady Jack. We have to keep him in a kennel during the day because he eats everything in sight while we are gone, and is especially fond of our 1,000 thread count sheets.
What can I say? He has a “taste” for the finer things in life.
Before I opened his kennel, I found him standing atop the little boy’s bedspread I bought at Goodwill. He was holding a toy in his mouth, salivating at the thought of freedom.
I opened the door and was nearly knocked over as he raced out of the kennel to do his obligatory lap around the house. I let all three outside and took a moment to enjoy some quiet time (and an Andes mint).
After I was sure they ran out all their energy, I let them back in and sat on the couch to relax. This is when catastrophe struck.
All three dogs began barking and running around the house at top speed, growling and jumping the ottoman like an Olympic hurdle. What ever happened to a nice night at home sniffing each other’s private parts and licking themselves?
That was the kind of night I was looking for. For the dogs…not me.
I didn’t have the patience for this marathon all night, so I decided to bribe them with bones. I got three from the cabinet and gave them each a bone to chew on.
I realize that giving my dogs bones is the lazy parent approach, and I’m cool with that. I just needed a break for a moment to collect my thoughts and figure out if I was going to kid myself and make a salad for dinner, or if I would just skip it and eat the enchiladas without a side of greens.
I think you know which option I chose.
I sat on the couch dreaming of guacamole when I heard a growling sound.
I looked up to see Max abandoned his bone, most likely because it didn’t taste like grass or his own genitalia.
He then tried to take Shady Jack’s bone. Interestingly, Shady Jack allowed the seizure to occur, but instead of responding to Max’s hostile take over by retrieving Max’s discarded bone, he looked to Bentley for his bone.
Although Bentley is the smallest dog in our house, he is also the most feared and most vindictive. He is cut-throat and moody and isn’t afraid to nip or snap at the big dogs. All the more reasons I love him.
When Shady Jack went for Bentley’s bone, Bentley looked at him with hatred in his eyes, and growled so loudly at Shady Jack that even the guy on the motorized cart could have heard it over the roar of his engine.
The growl didn’t have the desired effect of deterring S.J…it just made him want it more. Max caught wind of the scuffle, and immediately decided that he also wanted Bentley’s bone. Didn’t I tell you he wasn’t very bright?
Max abandoned his bone (which was really Shady Jack’s bone), and headed for Bentley’s bone as well.
The dogs were in a stand-off for rawhide and it wasn’t pretty. At that point there were three dogs, three bones, one desired bone, and one mom desperately looking for vodka.
I gave each dog a bone and sent them to separate corners of the room to chew on something other than my couch cushions.
You would think that would have ended the scuffle, but it only fueled the fire. Each dog sent me death stares from three corners of the room, looking at me as if I had crushed their dreams instead of given them a tasty treat.
Bentley was the first to leave his assigned post, walked over to Max and took his bone.
Shady Jack saw his chance to finally get Bentley’s coveted bone and made a run for it.
Max was left confused, as usual.
At that point I couldn’t take anymore, so I channeled my mother, yelled “enough” and grabbed all three bones. I placed them on top of the fridge where no one could have them.
They are now all three sulking around the house, as if I just told them there was no Santa Clause.
Interestingly, this is the first time all night it’s been quiet!