As I was flipping through the channels, I decided to turn to the Oxygen channel to see if there was an old 80s movie on. I was hoping to catch an old movie with Corey Haim (he was so much cuter than Corey Feldman). Instead of finding The Lost Boys on my screen, I found two middle aged women selling sex toys…or as they called them “erotic aids.”
Here is what I saw: Two women were sitting in a room, surrounded by dildos and vibrators, discussing each one as if it was a common everyday item, like a fork or a duvet cover. But instead of calling these items by their regular names (which must be far too crass for the two housewife-looking women wearing cardigan sets and pearls), they referred to them as dongs and massagers. As if we were really to believe the 4 foot long double sided black vibrator was supposed to be used to massage your shoulders after a rough day at the office.
These women were experts on the products they were pushing, and they talked about the items in terms of skill level, such as beginner or advanced…as if they were selling tennis lessons! Which made me wonder, what exactly qualifies someone as a beginner or advanced? Is a beginner for those who have only just discovered masturbation, and the advanced for those who only leave the house when necessary to buy the essentials…like food and batteries?
One of the larger..ahem…items, was a tall “dong” that stood on its own, and one of the hosts suggested it had dual uses. For instance, she suggested it would make an excellent mantle piece to put above the fireplace…as if it was a vase of flowers or a photo of your great uncle. I’m sure my friends would love to come over to dinner only to discover a dildo adorning the fireplace above where we ate. The other host agreed, and then commented on the excellent craftsmanship of the dong, and stated it would make an excellent topic of conversation if it were to be displayed in the home. After all, one of the poorly paid actresses with daddy issues stated, the dongs are beautiful pieces of artwork. A good conversation starter? Seriously?! I can just imagine….”Hey Marsha, is this your dildo? Did you wash it after its last use or is it riding dirty?” What type of households would display such a thing?
And these hosts were talking about these items in detail, discussing which ones were their favorites…as if it was a flavor of gum and not an item used to defile another human being. And they preached about the wide variety of colors, as if the color of the gadget actually mattered. One of the selling features of a particularly ominous looking dong was that it had the ability to glow in the dark. As if someone was going to use it for a flashlight when the power goes out. Can you imagine walking up the street to your neighbor’s house during a power outage with your glow in the dark neon green dong leading the way?
I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. These hosts were discussing these items like recipes or varieties of Starbust. The same channel that during the day brings us Storybook Weddings, also brings us sex toys to use in every conceivable orifice when the sun goes down. I realized that Oxygen was like a naughty pastor’s wife who, as Usher would say, is a lady in the street but a freak in the bed!
And what about these poor actresses who have to sell these products for an entire hour because that’s their job? Can you imagine the 18 year old woman, let’s call her Gretchen, who left her family farm in Ohio to go the the big city to be a star? She promised her parents she would make it big some day as an actress. I would love to be a fly on the wall when Gretchen called mom and dad at home to tell them she scored the roll of a lifetime…the host of an hour long broadcast featuring testimonials about sex toys.
And these actresses were either really good at their job, or they have tried every one of these products. They talked about them in great detail and were very knowledgeable, going over the pros and cons like they were discussing attributes of an automobile. “Look at the shiny finish on this one” or “This is more of a sporty model.”
Perhaps what was most funny to me was they referred to them as “adult toys.” As if these are simply Legos or Tinker Toys for adults. Like a group of us is going to hang out on a Friday night with our Twin Turbo Pleasure Sticks 2000 and play for a few hours. Well, maybe you will. I’m not here to judge….
What happened to the days of Ron Popeil and his infomercials for spray hair in a can or a pocket fisherman? Wait…both of those are probably also sold (with some tweaks) on the erotic infomercial as well. I must admit that I watched the entire infomercial and was amazed by the entire thing. I just hope they follow through on their promise that the shipments will be made in a discreet box….after all, I DO have nosy neighbors. So, the next time any of you come over to my house, be on the lookout for the new centerpiece on my kitchen table. But wash your hands before touching it…