I worked a shift at the dog shelter last night, and while getting a dog out of her apartment, received an inadvertent paw to the left eye.
I tried to explain to this particular dog that although hi-paws were acceptable instead of hi-fives, it was generally frowned upon to give them in the eye. She seemed unaware of her faux pas. (Or should I say faux paws?)
I completed the shift and went home with a sore eye but thought nothing of it. This morning I awoke only to discover my left eye was red and splotchy. It looked like that side of my face enjoyed a hard night of partying and was suffering from a mean hangover.
I tried to put in my contacts but was deterred by the burning in my eye that had to be similar to the burning one experiences from an STD. (I wouldn’t know. Seriously. I wouldn’t.)
I wore my glasses the last few days and couldn’t bear the thought of another day of viewing the world through my Bebe frames, fabulous though they are. So I decided I would go without contacts for the day.
I just discussed this with a friend of mine, who does this quite frequently, and refers to it as “soft focus” vision. I’m all about softening the focus of the pools of urination I see every day in the parking garage, so I thought I would give it a whirl.
I contemplated putting a contact in my right eye, but that usually makes me dizzy. I’m currently dealing with an inner ear infection (me, and five years olds at swimming lessons everywhere), so I decided I didn’t want to be doubly dizzy.
I scratched the one contact idea immediately, although now that I think about it, I wonder if the two dizzinesses (is that a word?) would cancel each other out.
The day did not go well. I drove to work in a bit of a blur, with my eye red and my vision blurry. I couldn’t tell if people in their cars were waving at me or flipping me the bird, so I alternated responses between flipping them off and waving hello in return, calculating that I had a fifty percent chance of giving the proper response (math has never been my strongest subject, but I was confident I calculated the odds correctly).
Most of the time I kept my red eye closed, but then it just watered and I looked like I just watched the end of an episode of Grey’s Anatomy with the musical montage (which invariably includes a song by “The Fray”).
Fortunately, by noon my eye had recovered and I was no longer looking online for fashionable eye patches to match my outfits, which is a good thing, because I don’t think I would make a very believable pirate.